Year One-Kennedy's Journey

I write this hesitantly, not because I worry what others may think,

but because I am always so cautious to put anything about

my children out into the universe aka the internet.

Not being able to protect their privacy after that.

But I feel that I need to put into words what has transpired for me

for more than a year now. I am still processing much of it,

and writing it down may help me to process even more.

This is the story of my daughter, Kennedy, who turned 1 yr old today.

As you read this, you will notice that I mention

how I'm doing for some of it.

That is because for this entire year, Kennedy and I have pretty much 

been "joined at the hip" as my husband has described it.

And not for reasons you may think. It has been out of necessity

more than anything else.

Kennedy is the younger sister to Ramsey.

Even before she was born, she was already manifesting that she 

was not to be the same as her older brother.

The pregnancy was not as enjoyable, the physical complications

were much more pronounced for me. 

The delivery of her into the world went a different route than previously.

Kennedy's personality is such that she must make her presence known.

And that was evident even after birth.

We actually initially named her Kensley, partially because we liked it,

and partially because although it didn't seem quite right, 

we couldn't think of anything else.

So we took Kensley home, and moved on with life.

Well moving on didn't last but a month before my husband and I

admitted to each other that the name Kensley just did not suit her.

So we agreed that it needed to be changed, but at the moment

didn't have any other prospects. 

So we spent a week thinking on it and trying different names out,

with still nothing seeming to be the right one.

My husband finally suggested Kennedy, and I immediately knew that

was the name she should be called.

He admitted to thinking of that name during the pregnancy,

but not liking it at the time didn't say anything.

We looked into the process of legally changing her name,

and found that it is very easy and with just getting a notary to sign 

the application and paying less than $40, we could change her name.

Also from birth, I started nursing her right away. 

I did the same for her brother, and nursed him until he 

self-weaned at 2 years old. I was no stranger to it,

and looked forward to the journey again. Even though it wasn't 

always easy with him either.

I could tell something wasn't right with the process of how she nursed

but no one could determine what the problem was,

and they figured that it was all okay, especially with my prior experience.

Well, after weeks of me thinking that Kennedy was negatively

responding to pretty much every food I ate,

(read: I was at that point on a diet of just sweet potatoes 

and a few other things)

I decided to take her to a pediatric chiropractor.

There this blessing of a chiropractor immediately recognized

that Kennedy had both a lip tie and a tongue tie.

Both of which were immediately revised that day

at a pediatric dentists office.

So within the first six weeks of Kennedy's life,

she had a name change happen

and a painful but hugely beneficial procedure completed. 

From there things started to look up for her, and she began to progress

and some of the main physical challenges were being overcome

with the lip and tongue revisions.

What wasn't expected was her rejection of taking a bottle.

I'll only say that a lot of money was spent on different types of bottles,

in addition to so many different methods, tricks, etc to get her to take one.

She just had no interest except to drink directly from the tap.

This resulted in my having to rethink how to balance work

and feeding her while she was at daycare.

So everyday on my lunch I would wish over to daycare,

nurse and snuggle her, and then head back to school.

She quickly learned how to go for many hours during the day

without nursing. But this resulted her reversing the process

and the nursing through out the night to still get the amount she needed.

I only mention this because her elder brother started sleeping through

the night at 6 weeks old. To do this day, on her birthday, she still

doesn't go longer than 3-4 hrs before waking up to nurse. 

I knew I would be sleep deprived on some scale for the first year of her life,

but I didn't anticipate how little sleep I truly would get during this time.

What I couldn't put my finger on though for the longest time after her birth

(4 months to be exact)

was that I wasn't feeling myself.  And once I went back to work and started to

notice more symptoms, I finally concluded that I was suffering from what I thought was just Postpartum Depression at the time. 

I knew it was a strong possibility given the regular appearance of it in my family, 

but I didn't realize how severely I had it.

Once realizing that PPD was negatively impacting my life on a daily basis,

to the point that my memory was very poor and I had virtually

no patience for pretty much everything (which led to an unhealthy

environment at home with my husband and children),

I thought I could handle the symptoms because I was aware of them.

I did mainly seem to manage them for a period with help from my husband

and trying to get some sleep occasionally (ha ha).

Through all of this Kennedy was such a happy baby,

and loved to socialize with everyone and give them a smile.

That helped balance my feeling lack of control of my emotions

and in general the challenges I was facing because of her constantly

needing me and only me for comfort. 

It all become more routine than not, and I was getting use to it.

Well, in December our whole lives were changed and an upheaval of

enormous proportions occurred.

December 1st-3rd, suddenly and with no prior medical complications,

Kennedy experienced heart failure.

She was exhibiting different symptoms that when looked at independently,

could be explained for one reason or another.

I never thought they all tied in together, and especially because of heart failure.

Finally saturday morning on Dec 3rd, she suddenly took a turn for the worst

and I took her to the ER thinking she might have a severe ear infection or something.

The next 24 hours were the longest and most intense minutes of my life.

We were taken by ambulance to a hospital an hour away,

and when they couldn't resolve her heart issue we then were life flighted

to a children's hospital in Dallas, which was 4 hrs away from our home, arriving at 11pm.

By the next morning she was on a heart by-pass machine and 

we did not think she was going to even make it through the night.

Those 24 hours consisted of learning that her heart was beating at 240 bpms,

which is even extremely high for an adult. 120-130 is considered 

a healthy bmp for an infant. Essentially her heart had been running

a marathon for 3 days with no chance to rest.

This resulted in the doctors unsuccessfully trying jump start it to get it 

to slow down, a total of 7 times. By the time she was on the by-pass machine,

she had also received CPR twice. One because her bmp dropped below

the stable rate, and one because it was so high that they couldn't 

get it do change at all with any assistance.

The next day, she also had another serious procedure to release

the blood pooling in her heart because it could't pump it out enough.

If left as it was, she would have passed away from asphyxiation. 

To keep the rest of that part of her story short,

she miraculously started to make progress when that wasn't expected.

And within weeks, instead of possibly months, she was moved to the recovery floor.

6 weeks total was spent in Dallas, and since then a regular stream of

doctor visits and therapy sessions to assist with her recovery.

She entered the hospital at 7 months old, and was 9 months when she came home.

She has quickly made up for the lost time for her physical

and mental development and aside from her feeding tube in her nose,

you wouldn't know she has a heart condition.

But one of the things that I didn't or couldn't foresee what the physical,

emotional and psychological toll it would take on myself and my family.

Kennedy's already strong need for me to be her comfort in her life,

became necessary in the hospital. I had to be with her non-stop because

she nursed for comfort in addition to nourishment.

There were a few times that I was able to get away and my husband

was able to take over for a time.

But ultimately her survival and strength to fight, 

I felt was on me. 

I knew I had PPD, but something more was going on. Once home, 

I could not longer think somewhat clearly for more than 2 hours ahead

at a time. And I felt that I was just walking around in a very dense fog.

I could barely manage single tasks and multi-tasking was out of the question.

I was realizing all of this as best I could when I went back to work.

I started to look into it more, and then learned about Postpartum Anxiety,

in additon to depression.

And that is when I realized I actually had Postpartum Anxiety all along,

and PPD was the secondary symptom.

It then explained why I had been feeling the way I had since her birth,

and the way I acted with everyone since then as well.

And why I couldn't control it because it wasn't just depression.

I knew at that point that in order for me to be able to function enough

to be continue to take care of myself, Kennedy and my family,

I had to go on medication.

That was singularly the hardest thing I had ever had to do for myself.

I resist needing additional assistance and I just couldn't bring

myself to realize how bad it was before this point.

Once on meds, and going to counseling regularly I have been

able to become more present for my family and my students.

I believe this has helped us as we continue to respond to the aftermath

of Kennedy almost losing her life only months ago.

Kennedy turning 1 today is a miracle,

and holds even more meaning to me now.

Kennedy is a fighter. She made that clear when she chose to 

fight to stay with us when she could have given up back in the Cardiac ICU.

She is outgoing, demands attention, is curious, cuddly, has an infectious laugh

and loves to be around those who love her. 

There is no way I could have predicted the last year to have gone

the way it did, or to have one little person rely so heavily on me

for all their needs for that entirety. 

I don't have words to describe what I, she, our family have been through.

I can only attempt to explain it.

But I know I love her with all my heart, and my family means 

more to me than anything else in this world.

I am not the same person I was before she was born, and even

before she went in the hospital. But I can only hope and pray

that I will continue to be given the strength needed

to continue to meet the needs of my children and husband.

It is they who I love most in this world, and would do it all again for.

I look forward to another year of Kennedys' life to share.